“Relationships are the priority of life, and conversations are the crucial “ Important , lucid Layout What To Say When You Talk To Yourself. PDF Drive is your search engine for PDF files. As of today we have 78,, eBooks for you to download for free. No annoying ads, no download limits, enjoy . A Crucial Conversation is: • A discussion between two or more people where: 1. stakes are high. 2. opinions vary, and. 3. emotions run strong. • and the outcome .
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Hi, There you go- Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler- Crucial Conversations_ Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High-McGraw-Hill. Editorial Reviews. Review. "What a profound and timely book! Here is the cure for arguments. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High. Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler Notes compiled by Jim Force Enterprises Inc.
Start with Heart Your own heart, that is. The first step to mastering dialogue is to gain an understanding of oneself. The first principle, therefore, is "Work on me first. Although in some instances you really are completely innocent of any wrongdoing, this is rarely the case; more often that not, people do something that contributes to the trouble they experience.
People who are best at dialogue understand not only this simple fact, but also realize that they're the only person they can work on anyway - the only person you can continually prod and shape with any degree of success at any rate is the one you see in the mirror. Skilled people always start with heart.
For others? For the relationship? Learn to Look When you get caught up in a crucial conversation, it becomes very difficult to see exactly what's going on and why it's happening.
Sometimes, when discussions become stressful, you end up doing the opposite of what works. When it's 'safe', you can say anything; when it's 'unsafe', you start to go blind and can't take feedback. Three forms: a Masking - understating or selectively showing true opinions  Crucial Conversations By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler sarcasm and sugar-coating are examples b Avoiding - steering away from sensitive topics c Withdrawing - pulling out of a conversation altogether Violence - any verbal strategy done to convince, control or compel others to one's point of view.
Do you use silence or violence when dialogue fails? Are you a masker or avoider, for instance? Make It Safe When others move to silence or violence, that's the time to step out of the conversation and 'make it safe'. Only if and when safety is restored can you return to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue.
Which condition of safety is at risk? When purpose is at risk, you end up in debate. When respect is at risk, people become emotional and highly charged. How exactly we can 'make it safe' There are three hard-hitting skills to employ to do this.
Start with what you don't intend or mean, and then explain what you do intend or mean. If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try doing the following: Retrace your path A story is created when you add meaning to an action you observe. Emotions then enter afterwards.
Finding yourself moving away from dialogue? Ask yourself what you're really doing. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story. Question your conclusions; look for other possible explanations behind your story. Abandon absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your made-up story.
These stories are always incomplete: they leave out crucial information about what really happened. Tell the rest of the story It's important that you do what it takes to tell a useful story - one that creates emotions leading to healthy action, such as dialogue. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action - facts, which are by far the least controversial and the most persuasive.
Encourage others to do what you've just done by sharing both their facts and their stories. State your story for what it is, a story - don't disguise it as a fact. Make it safe for others to express differing or opposing views by making it clear that you want to hear these views - and mean it.
Explore Others' Paths After telling others what you want to tell them, it's quid pro quo time - time for you to listen to what they have to say in return.
It's always best to start with curiosity and patience to help restore safety. Then you can use the four powerful listening skills to help trace the other person's Path to Action to its origins. Begin by expressing interest in the other person's view or views. Increase safety by acknowledging the emotions that people appear to be feeling. Do this out of respect for them. As the other party or parties begin to share part of their story, restate what they're telling you, to show not only that you understand but that it's safe for them to share what they're thinking and feeling.
If the other party or parties are holding back, prime them by taking your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling and act accordingly.
After this it'll be your turn to talk. Dont statement: address others concerns that you dont respect them.
Do statement: confirm your respect and clarify you purpose. Worst at dialogue ignore the problem, push ahead or give in to the other.
Good at dialogue compromise. Best at dialogue CRIB: Commit to seek mutual purpose Verbally agree to arriving at a solution that is mutually acceptable. Recognize the purpose behind the strategy We confuse what were asking for strategy with what we want purpose Focus on real purposes. Transcend short-term compromise. Worst at dialogue: hostage to their emotions and dont even know it. Good at dialogue: know they need to control their emotions so they fake it.
Best at dialogue: negotiate their emotions by thinking them out. Between perception and emotion is the story we tell ourselves about what is happening.
The story we tell determines the emotions we have. Stories: Are interpretations of facts Explain what we see and hear Help use evaluate the situation Tell us what we should do about the situation Once told they take on a life of their own While its true that at first we are in control of the stories we tell after all, we do make them [stories] up of our own accord - once theyre told, the stories control us p.
Get in touch with your feelings ask: What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? Analyze your stories ask: What story is creating these emotions?
Get back to the facts ask: What evidence do I have to support this story? Analyze Your Stories Regain emotional control by asking: Is this the only right emotional response to the situation?
Questioning our feeling leads to questioning our stories Separate subjective conclusions from objective facts by asking: Can I see or hear this thing Im labeling a fact? Was it an actual behavior? Conclusions explain what you think not what actually happened.
Watch for emotionally laden words by asking: What words carry an undertone of judgment or attributes? Less volatile descriptions allow for multiple interpretations. Victim Stories its not my fault We are innocent sufferers We ignore the role we play in contributing to the problem We have nothing but the most noble of intentions Villain Stories its all your fault We attribute negative motives to the other person We exaggerate our own innocence We overemphasize the other persons guilt We dehumanize the other person by making unfair generalizations We justify our own ineffective behavior Helpless Stories theres nothing else I can do We assume there is no alternative to our predicament Explains why we cant do anything to change our situation Attribute fixed and unchangeable traits to the other person 8 Why we tell clever stories They match reality on occasion They excuse us from taking responsibility Keep us from having to acknowledge when we have acted against our own sense of whats right You dont start telling clever stories until after you failed to do something you knew you should have done p.
We tell clever stories when we want self-justification more than results p. Useful Stories Create emotions that lead to healthy productive action dialogue To turn victims into actors ask: What am I pretending not to notice about how I contribute to this problem?
Am I minimizing my role while exaggerating the role of others? To turn villains into humans ask: What would cause a reasonable, rational, decent human being to do what they are doing? Replace judgment with empathy and self-justification with personal accountability. Worry less about others intentions and more on the effect their actions have on us.
Dialogue is the only reliable way of discovering others genuine motives p. To turn the helpless into the able ask: What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship? What would I do right now if I really wanted these results? Facts are: Less controversial than conclusions More persuasive than conclusions Less insulting than conclusions Facts form the foundation of belief p.
Our goal is not to persuade others that we are right. We just want our meaning to get a fair hearing p.
If you do want to share your story, dont start with it p. Tell your story: The facts alone are rarely worth mentioning. Its the facts plus the conclusion that call for a face-to-face discussion p. When telling your story, remember, It takes courage and confidence Telling all our insulting conclusions and negative judgments doesnt work To keep a look out for safety problems 10 Ask for others paths We express our confidence by sharing our facts and stories clearly.
We demonstrate our humility by then asking others to share their views p. Ask: What does the other person know, what are their facts? What are the other persons intentions? What does the other person really want? Talk tentatively Tell your story as a story rather than as reality or as fact. Observations can be incomplete, biased, and generally faulty. Use of tentative language does not mean being wimpy. Encourage testing The only limit to how strongly you can express your opinion is your willingness to be equally vigorous in encouraging others to challenge it p.
Remember to Invite opposing views when none are forthcoming Make you invitation genuine Play devil advocate challenge your own thinking To initiate STATE skills; Turn your attention from the topic to yourself Remember others have something to say, so listen Catch yourself before pushing too hard Hold to your belief; merely soften your approach p.
Clam Up: refusing to speak our mind. Restoring safety is your greatest hope to get your relationship back on track p. Getting to the source of fear and discomfort is the best way to return to dialogue pp.
Compare your two views. Chapter 9: Move to Action: How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Actions and Results 2 Reasons for failing to put ideas into action: Unclear expectations about how decisions will be made Dont follow-up on taking action Dialogue is not decision making Beginnings of dialogue are risky because they requires safety 12 Endings of dialogue are risky because they require clarification of conclusions and decisions Deciding on how decisions are made: Dialogue is a process for sharing meaning hence everyone is involved.
Because everyone is allowed to share their meaning. Whoever is in the position of authority decides which method of decision making will be used. When decision-making authority is unclear, use your best dialogue skills to get meaning into the pool. Jointly decide how to decide p. External Authority Authority decides what to do, others decide how to make it work.
Turning decisions over to another Low-stakes issue that we trust another to make right decision. Consider the following: If people can make choices, allow them to do so. Define degrees of freedom and allow others to choose within them. Explain your reasons for making your decision. Consult: Authority invites others to influence them before making a decision.
Use consultation when: Many people are affected. Information can be gathered relatively easily. People care about the decision. There are many options, some of which are controversial. Consider the following: Dont pretend to consult. Report your decision. Vote: Used when selecting from a number of good options.
Great time saver but should not be used when people dont agree to support the outcome. Use voting only when you know that the losers dont really care about the result.
Use for reducing long lists to a short list; follow-up with consensus. Never replace patient analysis and healthy dialogue with voting. Consensus: Everyone honestly agrees to one decision. Use only with: High-stakes and complex issues. Issues where everyone absolutely must support the final choice. Everyone shares a common agenda. Consider the following: Dont force consensus onto everything.
Dont pretend that everyone will get their first choice. If you dont get your choice, dont be a martyr. Dont take turns, base your decision on merit. Dont engage in post-decision lobbying. If the decision fails, dont say I told you so. Dont involve those who dont care. Who Knows? Dont involve those who contribute no new information.
Who Must Agree? How many people is it worth involving? Additional questions to ask: 14 Do we have enough people to make a good decision? Will others have to be involved to gain their commitment? Does What? By When? How will you follow-up? Document the above. When someone fails to deliver on a promise, its time for dialogue p. Are we falling into silence or violence?
Make it Safe When you notice the conversation has moved out of dialogue do something to make it safe. Ask the following questions: Where am I? Where are others? Are we in dialogue or in some form of silence or violence?
Where do I want to be? Where do I want others to be? Coaching for Crucial Conversations pp. Skill: Focus on what you really want. Ask: What do I really want?
Skill: Refuse the suckers choice. Ask: What do I not want? Principle: Learn to Look. Skill: Look for when a conversation becomes crucial. Ask: Am I going into silence or violence?
Are others? Principle: Make it safe. Skill: Apologize when appropriate. Contrast to fix misunderstandings.
CRIB to get to mutual respect. Ask: Why is safety at risk?
Have I established mutual respect? Am I maintaining mutual respect? What will I do to rebuild safety? Principle: Master My Story. Skill: Retrace my path to action.
Separate fact from story. Watch for victim, villain, and helpless stories. Tell the rest of the story. Ask: What is my story? Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person act like this? What should I do right now to move toward what I really want? Skill: Share my facts. Tell my story. Ask for others paths.